Big Changes

Been making big overhauls on all my favorite paintings, making them bigger, more detailed, more colorful, finally able to synthesize more of what I learned from Slawek this spring - I learned a lot and it was just impossible for me to really keep up with painting at that caliber immediately after. I had to digest and adapt first, especially since I was still warring inside between what I’d learned and what I was “used to” doing. It takes time to even just adapt to new tools/brushes, and new tools/brushes had become necessary for me during the course to paint faster - my previous methods were just too slow to create the amount of work necessary for a more detailed painting. That’s on top of adjusting to new habits, new knowledge, and new ways of looking at a draft.

Anyway, after months of trying to apply yoga, meditation, workouts, and nutrition to my depressive state to improve it, what ultimately worked best was setting up a rigorous system of automated timers and daily alarms that delineate “work time” and separate it from “rest time” without any room for negotiation. ADHD management requires… inventiveness and finesse.

Update: Concussion

Post-concussion syndrome is back and hasn't faded since Sunday so I won't be able to paint anything or write much for the foreseeable future. I'll start posting again in a couple weeks or a month, hopefully.

Homoeroticism as Narrative

Homoeroticism and romance — two ways to write the connection between two people who are hurtling towards one another in the gravity well of a plot. Within itself, homoeroticism contains the sublime forces of tragedy and comedy. Its jealous younger sibling, romance, contains nothing but proudly paves the way to dissolution and cliché.

Homoeroticism, always fresh, is the feeling between two people which is in all ways free of roles. A story which is homoerotic is a story which can only exist between equals, between active participants. It is easiest to spot homoeroticism between two men, but it exists also in stories about one man and one woman. The sublime narrative of Amélie could play out between two men or two women without sacrificing anything. In this film, Amelie is not a woman and Nino is not a man, they are two worlds colliding, their insecurities and desires crashing into one another on equal footing, neither one saving or fixing the other, but rather both of them trembling at the unspoken and unspeakable intensity of the quickly vanishing space between them. Homoeroticism wins. We step away from the movie feeling larger and more peaceful than ever before.

As I work my way through Russian literature, the difference between these elements of storytelling become more stark. The homoeroticisms between Raskolnikov and Razumikhin, Raskolnikov and Porfiry Petrovich, Raskolnikov and Svidrigailov, keep Crime and Punishment afloat within the space of tradegy, of dark comedy. And as the novel reaches its conclusion, it is of course the romances between Raskolnikov and Marmeladova, Razumikhin and Raskolnikova, which destabilize and eventually sink all tragedic elements and condemn the novel’s conclusion to emotional banality. To make an example out of Raskolnikov, the story cheats the reader out of experiencing anything beautiful, supplanting real human connection with a farcical love story in the shape of a fetishistic savior complex.

Again, in Fathers and Sons, we see great buildup of homoerotic feeling in the proximity between Bazrov and Arkady, Bazarov and Nikolai Petrovich, Bazarov and Pavel Petrovich, Bazarov and Odintsova… and again it is dissolved to make room for the romance of Arkady and Katya, Nikolai Petrovich and Fedosya Nikolaevna. Here the shift is more powerful, hoewever. It does not merely fizzle out by being subjected to an unconvincing romance like Raskolnikov’s. The tragedy of the story lies literally within the death of Bazarov, and through him, the death of homoeroticism. He is killed by none other than his homoerotic relationship with Odintsova slipping into the cliché realm of romantic feeling for Odintsova in a moment of weakness. Safe so long as he wanted to do battle with her, his fatal mistake is made while he feels listless, empty without her, no longer an individual shaking with fear and desire at the proximity to an equal individual but a slave to the tired roles of romantic love. It is this loss that echoes through and compounds the grief felt as his parents visit his grave, themselves aged out of romance and existing in homoerotic free fall with one another.

We see The Master and Margarita glide on homoeroticism from its start to nearly the very finish line, maintaining its comedic expansion and tragedic center by maintaining homoerotic tension between Pontius Pilate and Yeshua, Master and Margarita, Master and Ivan, in all the dynamics surrounding Woland and his retinue, as well as Margarita’s experiences in the nude. The way the novel comes down from all those lofty experiences? Subverting the sublime via the cliché, dropping us back down into the mundane as we get first a sense of some hollow romantic feeling in the epilogue and then indeed see Ivan go home to his now quaintly romantic life, he and his wife living carefully constructed roles, Ivan and the reader feeling heavy and in need of restorative sleep.

I think about Dead Souls and The Brothers Karamazov, both intended to be just the first parts of trilogies and thus spared from being cauterized with romance, remaining wistful in their last moments, believing in a future.

Like cold water, romance closes the pores of our souls after the author’s recommended dose of tragedy. I wonder if tragedy and comedy might not be brought to greater heights by keeping those pores open and breathing deeply.

Concussions are Serious Business

I couldn’t paint on the ipad (or even read books!) for 3 months, on the desktop for 6+ months, and couldn’t write essays/fiction for 9+ months. A week ago, I still got an unexpected “aftershock” from just a bit more screen-time than normal, though it resolved within a day. I’d heard that even very innocuous-sounding head injuries are more derailing than we commonly imagine, but it was still revelatory to experience the whole bouquet of side-effects myself, from limited speech, to flashes of impotent anger at being unable to express myself, to the existential dread that comes from lying in bed for weeks unable to even listen to music. And that’s, you know, not including the nausea, dizziness, and pain.

Been taking it easy since regaining my faculties. Mostly making studies, taking notes, and writing lectures for Patreon… at a steady, perhaps even sprawling, pace.

Thinking of coming back, backfilling with some of my sketchbook pages from the past few months, and using this as both a main blog and a place to post daily sketches, as a means to… pursue slowness, feel? Carve out a space for self where I set the tone, pace, and cultural values.

Sketchbook: Kisses

Kisses sketches 5/28 - 6/18

Sketchbook: Legacy of Kain

Melchiah has one of his sons take notes as a Razielim surgeon visits to make repairs to his rotting flesh. While Melchiah appreciates his eldest brother’s continued aid in such matters, he will rest easier when he is able to enjoy some greater indep…

Melchiah has one of his sons take notes as a Razielim surgeon visits to make repairs to his rotting flesh. While Melchiah appreciates his eldest brother’s continued aid in such matters, he will rest easier when he is able to enjoy some greater independence in this… personal matter.

Original concept sketch.

Original concept sketch.

Sketchbook: Legacy of Kain

“Early bird gets the worm.” Kain shakes his fledgling awake  before sunset and drags the bleary-eyed and yawning young vampire for  his next lesson on hunting.

“Early bird gets the worm.” Kain shakes his fledgling awake before sunset and drags the bleary-eyed and yawning young vampire for his next lesson on hunting.

Raz left to his own devices for the first time, perhaps? Don’t fuck up, baby vampire!

Raz left to his own devices for the first time, perhaps? Don’t fuck up, baby vampire!

I guess this is a form of exposure therapy. Getting over my discomfort with drawing buildings.

Sketchbook: Assassin's Creed

IMG_0606.jpeg

I think because I love AC2, I love drawing its environments while the game is running. Maybe someday I’ll graduate to enjoying drawing real life streets or from imagination, but I don’t want to rush it. I tried drawing a real life street yesterday, and it was still boring. I think it’s IMPORTANT to only draw things I enjoy. If I wanted to get paid to do boring things, I’d go back to software development. Live dangerously!

He is still… Only Human.

The past couple of days have been a lot of, “So what if I’ve got a cold, I can power through! I want to finish this piece before the new moon! Bc symbolism. And stuff.” And then last night I dropped a huge ass ceramic clock edgewise onto my head, giving myself a panic attack about hemorrhages… so I’m in bed. Resting. Ah, well. Symbolism is nice and so are completed projects, but being in touch with reality is probably better.

Hacker Voice: [I'm in.]

Ah, a blog that isn’t social media. Nice.

I’m starting to believe that Marie Kondo’s method of discovering yourself really does go above and beyond what anyone suspects of it until they’ve been through it. At the same time, there’s a reason I let her book live on my shelf for 5 years before I was suddenly “ready” for it after reading Benjamin Hardy’s book. Transformations happen, whether you’re looking for them in one place or another, even if you don’t realize you’re looking. Aside from books recently read, I can credit my expansive feeling lately just as much to my relatively new Tarot reading hobby, to the instagram astrology accounts I follow, to the Headspace meditations I’ve been doing on and off for 3 years. Sometimes, it’s just time for a breakthrough, and the messaging will come through every channel possible.

I quit my dev job and ran off to Europe with minimal planning at the beginning of the summer ostensibly because a Tarot reading encouraged me to do so and because my brother called my bluff when I asked him if he’d theoretically like to join me. But realistically, I did those things because I was ready to do them. I was ready to stop pretending I didn’t have aspirations. I just needed a way to externalize my own motivations and examine them from the outside. Tarot cards do that. Books do that. The idea that you get what you want from a book/card is common, but I’m just now figuring out that you can figure out what you want by taking a second look at what it is you’re getting.